I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
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[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.