Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
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[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”