Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
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when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here