Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
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It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
A French press is when you hug naked
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?