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My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.