Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
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My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi