Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
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Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
My blood type is b hungry.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab