On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
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If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
This headline is a thing of beauty
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women