Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
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*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Solving a traffic jam
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you