Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
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Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
For when Tinder doesn’t work
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz