[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
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police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Life is a suicide mission.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.