Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
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[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
can I use a minion as a tampon
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it