4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
You Might Also Like
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
#JohnTravolta
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
How it started: How it’s going:
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*