As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
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Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
satan: not today, microsoft teams
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.