Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
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[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?