Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
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Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
¯_(ツ)_/¯
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.