God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
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What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Battery falling down a hole
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin