Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
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INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
My plans: 2020:
Moms. The original autocorrect.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar