If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
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Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM