I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
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Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
The pen is writier than the sword.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”