I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
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Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face