Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
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We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Goat cheese is for herders.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
My Plans 2020
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Nomnomnomnom