“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
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I only say stupid things when I talk.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster