I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
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McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
bias laundering edition
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.