It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
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When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere