not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
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Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
This is why I hate group projects
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!