coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
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Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT