It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
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If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.