Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
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Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
bout dat hot dog summer
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Yup.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her