you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
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If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Overindulged this afternoon.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.