Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
You Might Also Like
pep talk
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles