The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
You Might Also Like
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Saw online –
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?