movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
You Might Also Like
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.