How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
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“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
watergate? u mean a dam??
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.