Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
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Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific