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RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.