My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
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If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
no one likes gloating
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
saw this in a dream