Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
You Might Also Like
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom