If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
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At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
do u think theres a butter planet?
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
What about second breakfast?
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it