laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
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In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.