I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
You Might Also Like
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
reminder
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.