Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
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My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
New menu item
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.