My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
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Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
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Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming