10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
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friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Great acting.. 😂
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?