I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
You Might Also Like
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
…żyje?
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.