I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
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Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.