I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
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Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
I have written yet another poem about laundry
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?