[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
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Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
[montage of me giving-up]
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
time for some seasonal decor
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday