Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
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ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!