Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
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Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
For the ones in the back.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
“OMGJK” -atheists
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.